Emmi's journey: overcoming suicidality and finding healing and hopePosted on 11/08/23 02:12:pm
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“Over the years, I have spent my fair share of time at Rogers. One of my first experiences at Rogers was in 2019, when I was admitted for OCD and anxiety treatment. When I arrived, my OCD felt like my whole life. I spent hours each day avoiding anxiety and uncertainty. My compulsions felt like an exhausting, never ending to-do list. I would check one thing off and another task would appear. Washing, checking, retracing, wiping, and showering consumed my every waking moment.
Before treatment, I had a poor understanding of what OCD was and how it affected my thinking and behavior. I always knew that something was wrong, but I attributed it to a character flaw rather than an illness. Throughout my stay, I gained insight, understanding, and a toolbox for navigating life with OCD. With the help of my team, the staff, and my peers, I quickly gained back control over my life. For the first time in forever, I no longer felt on edge. I could finally relax. I left residential excited for my future. In my mind, I was now untouchable.
But shortly after I returned home, I found that I was not untouchable. A fog of unbearable emotion fell over me, and I didn’t know how to navigate it. In my desperation, I turned to self-injury to ease the pain. The self-harm quickly spiraled into suicidality, and soon I found myself in a hospital bed, terrified for what would come next. I was confused, hopeless, and embarrassed to be back at what felt like square one. I wish I could say that these feelings receded quickly, but as I continued to cycle in and out of residential treatment, inpatient, and partial hospitalization, they only grew stronger.
Eventually, I agreed to be admitted to Rogers' Nashotah Center for DBT Adolescent Residential Care. In my mind, I was a lost cause, but I felt I had nothing to lose, so I went. The Nashotah Center was like a breath of fresh air. For the first time in years, I felt truly understood and supported. Throughout my stay, I made priceless connections and learned a multitude of new skills to help me thrive, skills which I continue to use in my daily life. Although my life is not perfect after leaving residential treatment, the Nashotah Center played a pivotal role in my recovery. It paved the way for my healing, and I would not be where I am today without it.
I had to choose recovery for myself, but the staff at Rogers was always there to give me the compassion and support I needed. They talked to me through the bathroom door, came to my car after a difficult pass with my family, walked with me when I needed fresh air, and ultimately helped me to gain insight into myself. They gave me hope, and they gifted me healing.
I am eternally grateful for the team at Rogers, as they made my recovery possible.”
~Emmi Moeller, former Rogers patient