Separation anxiety is something many families experience, yet it can feel overwhelming when your child struggles with goodbyes.
As part of our School Smarts for Fresh Starts series, Dr. Molly McCarthy, DO, psychiatrist at Rogers Behavioral Health in Nashville, answers common questions and shares practical strategies for childhood separation anxiety.
What is separation anxiety?
The definition of separation anxiety is the fear or distress that children feel when separated from a parent or caregiver. It’s a normal part of development, as young children form strong attachments and may worry about being apart. In most cases, it’s a healthy sign of bonding. However, when the worry becomes excessive or disrupts daily life, it may require closer attention.
When does separation anxiety begin?
Mild separation anxiety is most common between 18 months and 3 years when toddlers are learning independence but still rely heavily on caregivers. Many children experience another wave of separation worry when starting preschool, kindergarten, or even after long breaks.
What are symptoms of separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety symptoms can show up in different ways, including:
- Crying, clinging, or tantrums when a parent leaves
- Refusing to go to school, daycare, or a friend’s house
- Complaining of stomachaches or headaches before separations
- “Checking in” constantly for reassurance
What causes it?
Separation anxiety is influenced by a combination of development, temperament, and environment. Transitions like moving, starting school, or a change in caregivers can trigger it. Parents’ own anxiety about leaving can also unintentionally reinforce a child’s worry. For example, if a parent hesitates or looks visibly upset during goodbyes, a child may sense something is wrong and become more distressed.
What are unhelpful ways for parents to respond?
Some unhelpful ways parents sometimes respond include:
- Sneaking away: While it may avoid an immediate meltdown, it erodes trust
- Prolonging goodbyes: Lingering or repeatedly returning can heighten a child’s anxiety
- Over-reassuring: Excessive promises, like “I’ll be back in exactly 10 minutes!” can make kids more focused on the separation
What are helpful strategies for parents to try?
I recommend trying some of the following strategies to ease separation anxiety.
- Practice short separations: Start small, then gradually lengthen time apart.
- Create a goodbye ritual: A hug, special phrase, or wave from the window can provide consistency.
- Stay calm and confident: Children take cues from parents’ body language and tone.
- Praise bravery: Acknowledge efforts, even small ones, like walking into school with less hesitation.
- Prepare in advance: Talk about what will happen and when you’ll be back, using simple and honest language.
What would indicate the separation anxiety is more concerning?
Separation anxiety may be more than a developmental stage if it:
- Persists beyond age 6 to 7 years old
- Interferes significantly with school, friendships, or family routines.
- Includes frequent physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches without a medical diagnosis
- Causes distress in anticipation of separation days in advance
It may be helpful to consult with your child’s pediatrician or a children’s mental health professional to explore whether they might have separation anxiety disorder and how to support them.
The key takeaway for parents is this: Separation anxiety is normal and often temporary, but the way parents respond makes a big difference. Calm confidence, consistent routines, and gradual practice can help children build resilience and independence.
Rogers offers after school and evening mental health treatment for children and teens
Rogers now offers flexible after-school or evening intensive outpatient programs (IOPs) for children and teens. These programs are designed to fit around school, work, and family schedules while providing comprehensive, effective treatment.
Our flexible IOPs are available 3 to 5 days per week with hours and treatment lengths tailored to individual needs, allowing children to maintain school and family responsibilities. Programs accommodate working caregivers by enabling active participation in treatment without significantly disrupting work schedules and other responsibilities.
To get started with a free confidential screening, call 833-308-5887.
Part of our back-to-school series, School Smarts for Fresh Starts
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