Whether it’s homework stress, friendship drama, or tension with teachers, most students will face challenges at some point during the school year. As a parent, watching your child navigate those tough moments can stir up stress and self-doubt.
As part of our School Smarts for Fresh Starts series, Rogers Behavioral Health’s Carly Fox, clinical services manager at Rogers in Seattle, shares common parenting pitfalls and five supportive ways to help a child through difficulties and disappointments.
Why can parents struggle when their kids are experiencing challenges?
When kids feel challenged, anxious, or overwhelmed, parents can feel unsettled. They might question their own parenting skills or wonder whether they’ve done enough to prepare their kids for adversity. Interestingly enough, kids are having a similar internal experience. They’re asking questions like, “Can I get through this?” “Will I be okay?” When children are lacking their own confidence, they rely on the people around them to lift them up.
Consider the example of a toddler walking toward a new piece of playground equipment at the park, like a tall slide. Oftentimes, they’ll look back to see their parents’ reactions before deciding whether to go for it. If they see their parents behaving calmly and confidently, giving a thumbs-up, or saying, “You’ve got this,” they’re going to internalize that and feel reassured. That child is much more likely to eventually go down the slide than the child who looks back and sees their parent asking, “Are you sure?” with a worried look on their face.
When parents jump in to prevent their child from feeling challenging emotions, everyone feels good in the moment. The child feels relieved, and the parent feels like they’ve done a good job helping their child avoid discomfort. It makes sense why this pattern repeats itself because both parties feel better. However, over time, this pattern can unintentionally stifle emotional and mental growth.
Why is it important for kids to experience difficulties and disappointments?
In my professional opinion, it boils down to this: the more kids experience situations not going their way, the more opportunities they have to build resilience.
Resilience is tied to:
- Confidence
- Bravery
- Courage to try new things
- Sturdy sense of self
These are the traits we want kids to develop and practice.
I encourage parents to do something that feels counterintuitive, which is to allow your child to step into hard situations, then resist the urge to rescue them from the discomfort that follows. It’s in these moments of struggle, when children face unknown or stressful situations and come out on the other side, that real growth happens.
What are common mistakes parents make when trying to help their child through challenges?
I’ve talked with many parents who, understandably, want their kids’ lives to be easy. That makes sense to me. Wanting to shield your child from pain or difficulty is a natural and loving instinct. At the same time, when we smooth out difficulties too often and try to remove every obstacle, we also remove the chance for kids to learn that they’re capable of navigating challenging situations.
One common mistake I see parents make is stepping in too quickly to help. This can actually get in the way of their child building the skills to practice handling difficulties and getting through them on their own.
For example, some parents worry that their child can’t handle going to summer camp, joining a soccer team, or hanging out with a new group of friends because it might make them anxious, so they pull them out of those opportunities. This inadvertently sends the message that they can’t handle that stressor. Anxiety stems from difficulty tolerating uncertainty. When parents can reframe their role as giving their children more opportunities to face and work through uncertainty rather than fewer, their children will feel more confident and capable.
What are more helpful ways to support kids through difficulties and disappointments?
I have five recommendations for how parents can support their kids in working through difficulties and disappointments:
- Regulate your own emotions. Find ways to manage your own feelings of discomfort. It’s stressful watching the people we love struggle and experience anxiety. The calmer parents remain externally the better, even when it doesn’t match how you feel internally.
- Send the message: “You’ve got this.” By resisting the urge to step in and shield your child from difficult situations, you’re signaling to them you know they’re capable and competent. You’re giving them the opportunity to learn two very important lessons: the worst-case scenario doesn’t usually happen, and if it does, they can probably handle it.
- Allow your child to sit with hard emotions instead of rushing in to fix anxious or uncomfortable feelings. They will recognize they’re capable of managing them and will learn that hard feelings pass. Parents can model for children that anxiety is an acceptable and expected reaction to unknown situations, so we don’t need to fix it or immediately wish it away. When we treat anxiety as a normal emotional state, it can feel a lot more tolerable.
- Validate their emotional experience without problem solving. Consider saying something like, “It makes sense that school was hard today. I hear you. I wouldn’t like it either if I didn’t have anywhere to sit in the lunchroom.” Then pause —this is the most important (and hardest!) part. Of course, the urge to problem solve will always be there and you might be tempted to offer suggestions like, “How about texting a friend to see if they want to sit together” or “You can call me at lunch if you feel lonely.” When we prioritize understanding problems over solving them, children are allowed to think through their own solutions instead of relying on the advice of their parents.
- Look for opportunities to practice being brave. I encourage parents to look for opportunities for new and brave things their child can do. For younger kids, it could be something small like saying thank you to someone at the store or playing in a different room where they can’t see their parents. For slightly older kids, it could be walking to a friend’s house (or part of the way) on their own, calling the school themselves to let them know they’re tardy, or raising their hand in class. For teens, it might be signing up for a class that none of their friends are in, running an errand without help, or applying for a job they know they might not get. Parents can ask themselves: how can I give my child safe chances to feel uncertain so they can practice sitting with discomfort and build confidence in their ability to handle it?
How can parents tell the difference between what might be a temporary struggle and a more serious issue?
I think a lot about what’s called developmental domains, which include:
- A person’s social life
- Ability to take care of their body
- Getting regular sleep
- Maintaining academic progress
I would pay attention to significant and ongoing changes in one or more of those areas.
I would also watch for ripple effects. If doing one hard thing makes other things more challenging, that might be a sign that either there’s a high level of anxiety to be concerned about or that a parent needs to slow down the exposure to hard things.
Let’s say that your child can muscle through practice with the new soccer team, but they’re so nervous about it that they’re not eating or sleeping, and they’re so drained that it’s hard to go to school. That’s probably a sign that there’s a higher level of anxiety at play and professional help may be needed.
Rogers offers after school and evening mental health treatment for children and teens
Rogers now offers flexible after-school or evening intensive outpatient programs (IOPs) for children and teens. These programs are designed to fit around school, work, and family schedules while providing comprehensive, effective treatment.
Our flexible IOPs are available 3 to 5 days per week with hours and treatment lengths tailored to individual needs, allowing children to maintain school and family responsibilities. Programs accommodate working caregivers by enabling active participation in treatment without significantly disrupting work schedules and other responsibilities.
To get started with a free confidential screening, call 833-308-5887.
Part of our back-to-school series, School Smarts for Fresh Starts
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