Children of all ages, from toddlers to teens, experience and enjoy friendships. They play an important role in their development.
As part of our Fresh Starts for School Smarts series, Allison Dixon, LMSW, therapist at Rogers Behavioral Health in Atlanta, shares how parents can support healthy friendships and spot signs that they might be struggling.
At what age do children typically start forming close friendships, and what does that look like?
Younger children see friends as someone being kind to them or someone to play with, while school-aged kids between 6 and 12 start to value and form close relationships. They tend to care a lot about fitting in and having equal give and take. For example, if a child invites a friend to a sleepover, they may expect an invite in return. Close friendships can look like wanting to sit next to each other at lunch, sharing snacks, and doing fun activities together, such as going to an arcade, movies, swimming, or bowling.
Kids 12 and older begin to develop deeper connections and start to understand how they impact their relationships. In addition to spending time together, they may enjoy texting, calling, and connecting on social media. Adolescents often navigate peer pressure and identity as they develop friendships.
How do you define a “healthy friendship” for a school-aged child?
While kids care about being likeable, a healthy friendship should still involve things like kindness, respect, having fun, and caring about each other’s thoughts and feelings, even if opinions differ.
What are some common signs that a child is struggling socially at school?
Your child might share with you that they don’t have any friends or may avoid the topic all together. They may feel awkward or confused about how to make and maintain relationships.
Social difficulties can show up in a variety of ways. Some common signs you might observe with other kids or even at home with family include:
- Having difficulty carrying on conversations
- Isolating at a social gathering
- Refusing to go to school or leave home
- Struggling to get along with others
- Having trouble being flexible
- Unable to pick up on social cues or body language
How can parents tell the difference between a child who’s just shy or introverted and one who might be dealing with anxiety, bullying, or isolation?
A child who keeps to themselves may enjoy solo activities, like reading or painting. However, they still show an interest in making and keeping friends and might have one or two instead of being in a group.
Children dealing with bullying or isolation may seem anxious, sad, angry, jealous, and shut down.
What mental health concerns can a child experience if they have persistent trouble making or keeping friends?
Kids consistently struggling socially may be dealing with underlying mental health challenges, such as depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma, ADHD, autism, and other developmental concerns.
Healthy friendships nurture a child’s mental health by helping to create a support system where kids feel confident, safe, and provide a sense of belonging.
How can a parent support skills needed for friendships at home?
Parents can help by:
- Modeling healthy relationships with friends and family.
- Initiating spending time with their children playing games, reading books, or watching television shows that talk about friendships.
- Discussing boundaries and what to look for in a friend.
- Supporting children’s socialization efforts by offering to help with a carpool, hosting sleepovers, or signing up for sports and clubs where they can make friends with similar hobbies and interests.
When should a parent consider reaching out for extra support, like school counselors or social skills groups?
I recommend considering reaching out for extra support if you notice that your child is:
- Withdrawing at home
- Struggling with schoolwork and attendance
- Losing interest in activities they once enjoyed
- Exhibiting changes in eating, sleeping, and keeping up with hygiene or chores
- Displaying changes in mood, such as increased sadness or irritability
- Getting into fights, running away, or other dangerous behaviors
- Sharing thoughts of death, harming themselves or others
Consider contacting a mental health professional, your child’s doctor, or school counselors to have your child evaluated and connected to resources.
How do I build my child’s confidence so they’re more willing to try again socially after a hard experience?
Having discussions about their challenges can help kids understand what went wrong and what they can try to do differently. Providing empathy, curiosity, validation, and acceptance about their lives supports children overcoming difficulties and encourages them to try again when things get hard.
Consider starting a conversation by saying one of the following statements:
- “I know that it’s been hard to make new friends this year. Do you want to brainstorm ideas you can try?”
- “Why do you think it turned out that way?”
- “I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there. How did it go?”
- “How are you feeling about trying again? What do you think is getting in the way?”
- “I can tell this means a lot to you and I’m here to listen. What happened?”
Rogers offers after school and evening mental health treatment for children and teens
Rogers now offers flexible after-school or evening intensive outpatient programs (IOPs) for children and teens. These programs are designed to fit around school, work, and family schedules while providing comprehensive, effective treatment. Our flexible IOPs are available 3 to 5 days per week with hours and treatment lengths tailored to individual needs, allowing children to maintain school and family responsibilities. Programs accommodate working caregivers by enabling active participation in treatment without significantly disrupting work schedules and other responsibilities.
To get started with a free confidential screening, call 833-308-5887.
Part of our back-to-school series, School Smarts for Fresh Starts
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