Memories and traditions can make the holidays immensely difficult for those who are grieving.
As part of our Wrap Yourself in Wellness series, Rogers Behavioral Health’s Lindsey Samuelson, MSW, LGSW, therapist at Rogers in Minneapolis, shares gentle strategies to help you navigate the season while honoring your loss.
Why can the holidays intensify feelings of grief?
We can go into the holidays believing that they should be joyful, with happiness all around. But that isn’t always the case, although I think there’s an unspoken expectation that they’re supposed to be.
When we don’t feel joy or happiness around the holidays, it can lead to emotions such as sadness, anger, and frustration, due to thinking, “I’m supposed to be enjoying this. Why am I not happy?”
You can talk about the person and the memories when you’re ready and know you may never feel completely ready. The hope is that the more we do these things, the more manageable talking about the memories and seeing pictures will become.
How do I give myself permission to grieve while others around me are celebrating?
It’s 100% okay to not be okay in these situations. Be aware and acknowledge what you’re feeling. I know this is easier said than done. Give yourself the space and grace to feel the emotions you’re having around any given situation.
I also want to reassure you that you don’t need to give yourself permission to grieve. Our emotions are automatic, and if we turn them off or ignore them, we’re numbing ourselves. When we’re numb, we don’t just block our grief, but all of our emotions. That means we’re also numbing the good feelings, like joy or happiness.
How to cope with grief during the holidays
I have a few recommendations for how a person can cope when they’re grieving a loved one.
- Take breaks when you need them.
- Tell others, such as your support system, that you’re having a hard time with the holidays.
- Plan some self-care activities after holiday events so you’re filling your own cup with things that you enjoy.
Try not to push through the situation for the sake of “pushing through.” Oftentimes when we do that, we feel worse afterward because we weren’t ready. It’s okay not to be ready for a situation where bigger emotions like grief are going to be brought up. Everyone grieves differently and it takes time. The amount of time it takes also varies from person to person.
How can I manage feelings of guilt (or other emotions) if I experience moments of joy?
It’s normal to feel guilt, shame, or pain when you start to enjoy things again. The question is what do you do with those feelings so they don’t take over?
- Acknowledge what you’re feeling.
- Ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way? Where are these feelings coming from?”
- You might have to consider attending fewer holiday gatherings or staying for shorter periods of time in the beginning until the feelings don’t seem overwhelming. It’s also important to remember that our thoughts and feelings are temporary.
What advice do you have when old traditions feel too painful to continue?
If other family members would like to continue traditions, you can set boundaries with them. I know it may be difficult, and it is what you need to do to stay true to who you are.
What happens when a family member really wants you to participate? It’s important to honor what you want in the situation. It’s okay to sound like “a broken record.” I know it can be frustrating, but the main thing is that you do what you need to do.
Here are a few things you can say to set boundaries:
- “I don’t feel like participating right now. You all can do that and I’ll watch.”
- “I don’t feel like participating, and I’ll be over here.”
- “I need to take a break and I’ll come back when I’m ready.”
How do I communicate my needs and boundaries with family and friends?
Boundaries can be a tricky thing to navigate with anyone, especially those who love us the most. Most of the time, the people who want us to enjoy time with family are motivated by love. What’s usually missing is they don’t understand where you’re coming from and why it’s difficult for you.
Tell your support system that you may need some time, such as arriving late, leaving earlier, or needing breaks. Consider saying, “I’m going to come and stay from this time to this time.” Set the boundary and try your best to stick to what you need. This doesn’t make you selfish. You’re doing what you need to do in order to heal your mind and body.
When might a grieving person consider professional help?
Everyone grieves differently. If anyone reading this is thinking, “Maybe I should talk to someone?” then the answer is yes, you should.
Seek help especially if you’re struggling long-term with:
- Saying the name of the person you lost
- Hearing other people say the person’s name
- Continually crying while talking about the loss
- Suppressing thoughts about the loss and not acknowledging emotions that arise
- Feeling hopeless, not engaging in daily activities
Remember, it’s never too late to start your healing journey.
Rogers provides mental health treatment
You are not alone. Our compassionate teams will meet you where you are and support you in finding a path forward.
To take the first step, call 833-308-5887 for a free confidential screening.
