People-pleasing can seem like a positive trait, but it often comes at a personal cost. When we consistently put others first, we may lose sight of our own needs, values, and well-being.
Rogers Behavioral Health’s Lilysbel Rodriguez, LMHC, clinical services manager at Rogers in Miami, explains why we tend to people please and gives strategies for guarding against it.
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is when we give up our own needs, opinions, or priorities to meet the demands of others. We can lose focus on our own priorities, personal values, and goals.
Why do people become people pleasers?
The tendency to people please can come from childhood, cultural demands, and expectations. That can look like doing things simply because they’re expected, even when they don’t align with your own needs or values, such as attending religious services because your family always has, taking on caregiving roles out of obligation despite strained relationships, or hosting Thanksgiving dinner because it’s what your mother did even though you’re uncomfortable having 50 people over. Fear of rejection from traumatic experiences can be a contributing factor.
How can people pleasing impact my mental health?
Although we often need to compromise, pleasing people can be detrimental to our mental health. When we continually sacrifice our own needs to please others, we can feel a sense of dread, which can lead to symptoms of depression.
We can also experience anxiety if we’re trying our best to meet the demands of others and are faced with ongoing pressure to meet them. Over time, this can build into stress and lead to burnout.
Common signs that people pleasing is impacting our mental health include:
- Fatigue
- Isolation
- Avoidance
Can people pleasing make mental health conditions worse?
Yes, people pleasing can make mental health challenges worse. When you’re struggling with depression or OCD, it’s already difficult to keep up with your own daily tasks. When you’re carrying someone else’s load, symptoms of depression, anxiety, and OCD can increase. Stress can be a major trigger for these mental health conditions.
What are common signs of people pleasing?
You can notice you’re people pleasing if:
- Your behaviors or actions aren’t aligned with your personal values or beliefs. For example, you arrive at work late every day because your friend has asked you to drop her off at her job every morning, even though you know that it’s out of your way and it will affect your morning routine.
- You lose sight of your personal goals. For example, you stop going to your gym class that you love on Wednesday nights because your boss keeps asking you to stay late at work at the last minute and you’re afraid of saying no.
How can I stop people pleasing?
I recommend five ways to stop people pleasing:
1. Identify values and personal goals
2. Establish clear, healthy boundaries
3. Expect push back and use skills to cope with feelings of guilt, resentment, or anxiety, such as mindfulness and self-compassion
4. Use assertive communication
5. Engage in self-care
How can mental health treatment help change people-pleasing patterns?
A mental health clinician can help you identify your goals, priorities, and triggers. You can learn assertive communication skills to be able to say “no” in a way that still shows that you care, listening to others’ needs and validating them without feeling like you have to meet every demand or request. A therapist can help you explore reasons for people pleasing and support you in setting healthy boundaries as needed.
Rogers offers mental health treatment
If you or someone you love is struggling with their mental health, help is a phone call away. We’ll meet you where you are and walk alongside you on your journey to improving your well-being.
Call 833-308-5887 for a free, confidential screening.
People pleasing is the habit of putting other people’s needs, opinions, or expectations ahead of your own, often by avoiding conflict or seeking approval.
People pleasing can negatively affect mental health when it leads to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, or neglecting your own needs and well-being.
Common signs include difficulty saying no, putting others’ needs before your own, feeling guilty for setting boundaries, losing sight of personal goals, fatigue, isolation, and avoiding conflict.
People pleasing can develop from childhood experiences, cultural or family expectations, fear of rejection, trauma, or a desire to avoid conflict.
Breaking people-pleasing patterns starts with identifying your values, setting healthy boundaries, practicing assertive communication, managing feelings of guilt, and making time for self-care.
