With the new school year underway, many parents find themselves juggling even more. School events, homework routines, and sports practices are added to an already hectic mix of daily family and work responsibilities. This invisible, never-ending to-do list can contribute to stress and emotional exhaustion.
As part of our School Smarts for Fresh Starts series, Rogers Behavioral Health’s Dr. Patrick Michaels, PhD, psychologist and regional clinical director, explains what mental load is, how it can impact your mental health, and offers tips to help lighten the burden.
What is mental load?
Mental load is the effort involved in remembering, planning, organizing, and tracking the many tasks and responsibilities of daily life. The burden falls on the person who is carrying those details in their mind and often reminding others about them.
Having a mental load is part of being human. It can affect people in different ways, including:
- People who are prone to perfectionism or have high expectations for themselves
- Teens who are overscheduled, juggling school, activities, and other responsibilities
- Committed partners who are balancing household, family, and work-related tasks
- Single people who may choose to be over-scheduled to keep them themselves busy
What’s an example of a mental load in a family?
In the book Fair Play, Eve Rodsky explores the tasks and logistics of managing family life in terms of CPE:
- Conception – identifying the need
- Planning – creating the strategy
- Execution – completing the task
Rodsky also created The Fair Play Deck, which helps couples visually divide and rebalance responsibilities – from buying gifts and communicating with teachers, to taking out the trash and making meals.
Take family dinners as an example. A lot goes into it before everyone sits down to eat. One partner may go to the store, while the other planned the meal, made a grocery list, checked for ingredients in the home, and considered everyone’s preferences or dietary needs. Even seemingly simple tasks can involve a lot of unseen thought processes. Taking care of that invisible “stuff” is the mental load.
How does a person’s mental load affect family relationships?
You can imagine that if one person is doing the lion’s share of the invisible tasks, that’s a breeding ground for resentment and relationship dysfunction. The person carrying the bulk of the mental load probably feels empty, neglected, and uncared for. Meanwhile, the other person is missing out on the opportunity to be an equal partner.
Being clear about needs is kind. Having shared expectations builds a healthy environment and relationship, which is good modeling for children.
How does our mental load impact our emotional and mental well-being?
I think that our emotional and mental well-being comes back to balance. If the majority of the work is falling on one person, it could lead to situational depression. They may ruminate, feel resentful, isolate themselves, and avoid conversations about how they feel.
How can you tell when busyness is becoming a problem and adding to mental load?
I think people often talk about the idea of being a human being versus a human doing. We cannot do all the things. We’ve got to decide where to invest our time, and we’re probably going to have to say no to some things that we just don’t have any more energy to do.
If we’re compelled to do countless activities, take frequent trips, volunteer, and keep adding commitments to our schedules, we’re creating our own busyness. It may feel pointless or empty, like it’s just one big to-do list. We need to allow ourselves time and space to have the emotional enjoyment of slowing down and connecting with the people around us.
What are common warning signs that someone is carrying too much mental load?
Ten common warning signs that someone may be carrying too much of a mental load include:
- Feeling overwhelmed or mentally exhausted
- Struggling to find joy
- Having difficulty turning off your mind at night
- Having negative thoughts about others’ contributions to the household or family
- Experiencing resentment toward a partner or family members because responsibilities feel unevenly shared
- Feeling alone in managing responsibilities and decision-making
- Experiencing feelings of emptiness or frustration
- Thinking, “This isn’t what I signed up for,” and feeling that your current responsibilities aren’t sustainable
- Feeling like you have too much to do and not enough support to manage it all
- Experiencing decision fatigue and indecisiveness
What can I do to reduce mental load?
Remembering that no one can do everything well, I recommend taking the following steps to evaluate and help lighten your mental load:
- If you’re married or have a partner, share responsibility for planning and owning tasks and review on a weekly basis. The Fair Play cards might be a nice way to think about that and divvy up responsibilities.
- If you’re managing everything on your own, think about your top priorities.
- Use a calendar or other tool to assist with remembering tasks. Try a Skylight or Google calendar, planner, or even Post-it notes in your home.
- Take a look at your daily schedule and notice if you’re constantly running from one thing to the next.
- Ask yourself whether you’re finding enjoyment in the activities and commitments filling your time.
- Consider the purpose of each activity and what it’s helping you accomplish.
- Look for opportunities to cut back and create time for rest, relaxation, and reflection.
- How can mental health support help someone who’s overwhelmed by their mental load?
One of the things we do at Rogers is help people explore their personal values. We encourage them to think about what is most important in their lives right now and identify their top three to five values.
We also focus on short- and long-term goals. What would they like to do in the next few months or maybe even next year? From there, we explore how they can align their daily choices and actions with their values.
What we practice is what we become. We want to ensure that our behavior is supporting who we want to be, so that we feel like more of a balanced and full person. That includes making time for creativity and activities that foster a sense of community, which can support our mental well-being.
What resources do you recommend?
If you’d like to learn more about mental load and creating a more balanced life, these resources may help:
- Eve Rodsky’s book, Fair Play, is great. You can search for trained facilitators who can help you rebalance your family life.
- Mom Brain: Proven Strategies to Fight the Anxiety, Guilt, and Overwhelming Emotions of Motherhood—and Relax into Your New Self by Ilyse Dobrow DiMarco.
Rogers offers mental health treatment
When mental load becomes overwhelming, professional support can help. You don’t have to carry the burden alone.
Give us a call at 833-308-5887 for a free, confidential screening.
Part of our back-to-school series, School Smarts for Fresh Starts
Looking for more back-to-school tips? Click here for additional resources from our experts.
Mental load is the mental effort involved in remembering, planning, organizing, and keeping track of daily tasks and responsibilities. It often includes the invisible work of anticipating needs, making decisions, and reminding others.
Common signs include feeling overwhelmed or mentally exhausted, struggling to enjoy life, difficulty sleeping because your mind won’t slow down, resentment about unequal responsibilities, decision fatigue, and feeling like you have too much to do without enough support.
When mental load becomes unbalanced, it can contribute to chronic stress, emotional exhaustion, resentment, anxiety, and even situational depression. It may also make it harder to connect with loved ones and enjoy everyday life.
Start by identifying your priorities, sharing responsibilities when possible, using calendars or planners to stay organized, evaluating unnecessary commitments, and making time for rest and activities that align with your values.
When one person carries most of the invisible planning and organizing, it can lead to resentment, frustration, and conflict. Sharing responsibilities and communicating openly can help create a healthier partnership and family environment.
