It takes courage to reach out for help. Himanshu knows that better than anyone, having returned to the Rogers website time and time again. But one day, something was different.
Instead of looking up the number to refer his patients as he had done “a million times before,” this time, the psychiatrist dialed the number for himself.
“I still remember feeling so overcome with fear and shame,” says Himanshu in a recent Rogers patient video. “My first thought was, what will that person think? What if I end up talking to a screener who has worked with me? ‘Oh, I used to discuss cases with you, now you are a case?’ “And then, who would be the psychiatrist? They could be a colleague. Heck, I could have trained them!”
Himanshu went to medical school in New Delhi, then moved to the United States to work as a psychiatrist. Over the next 15 years, he says he realized that psychiatric expertise doesn’t make someone immune to mental health challenges.
“Just because you’re a cancer surgeon doesn’t mean you’ll never get cancer,” he says. “It doesn’t mean you’ll be able to perform surgery on yourself.”
Still, Himanshu says he tried for years to deal with the impacts of past trauma on his own, until he reached a point where he realized that simply wasn’t working. Though he says the decision to seek help came out of “sheer desperation,” once he did make that courageous choice, the next step – deciding where to go – was easy.
“Rogers, no question about it” he says. “Why? Because I started noticing a pattern where the patients who were coming back from Rogers were doing significantly better. I wanted to see, where is this magical place that my patients go?”
“When I first learned about my new patient, Himanshu, and that he was a psychiatrist, I was very intimidated. I thought, ‘how am I going to treat a psychiatrist; someone with a higher level of learning and knowledge base?’” says Veronica Fox, therapist II. “Well, I treated him just like I did all my other patients; with the utmost respect, empathy, and compassion.”
Despite his doubts that treatment could help, Himanshu says he committed himself fully to the experience. Veronica says when Himanshu got stuck attempting to tap into deep emotions, they got creative with a block of barn wood and a hammer.
“Himanshu worked hard to release the emotion that was blocking the deep seeded emotions and feelings,” Veronica says. “It was after these two sessions that he felt he was ready to process, and I encouraged Himanshu to do so in his native language in which he felt more comfortable doing so. Himanshu coined the term ‘lean into vulnerability,’ which I now use with my patients who are uncomfortable being vulnerable.”
“A big part of my treatment became leaning into vulnerability,” Himanshu says, adding that one of the biggest gifts from his experience at Rogers was gaining mindfulness. “I began to say, OK, this is transforming … They didn’t really catch fish for me. They taught me how to fish.”
Josh Dewar, senior digital media producer with Rogers, says putting together videos like Himanshu’s is an honor.
“Dr. Himanshu Agrawal was inspirational to work with, and his desire to help others was clear throughout the time we spent with him,” Josh says. “The trust patients put into our video team to tell their story is humbling, and we hope to do their experiences justice. Stories like his are powerful examples of the work that patients put into their own recovery, with Rogers walking alongside them on their journey toward wellness.”
Throughout his six-week stay, Himanshu says his care, along with an excellent psychiatrist, exceeded his expectations.
“Somehow, they figured out how to run a business while being intensely human,” Himanshu says. “It makes you believe in the world a bit more.”
“I felt honored and thankful to work with Himanshu during the weeks he was a patient in IOP, and I feel I learned just as much as he learned from me,” Veronica says. “When he was discharged from programming, our team held a sendoff ceremony for Himanshu, and I was reminded of ‘The Tale of Two Wolves: a Cherokee Story’ he referenced. I read it as part of his sendoff, because during his time in IOP, he found his answer of which wolf to feed.”
Through vulnerability and courage, that fear and shame Himanshu once felt at picking up the phone gradually transformed into hope.
